Reviewing the Tapes

After each game the players sit down and review the tapes of the game they just played to learn from their mistakes.  The idea is that they recognize the mistakes they made with that opponent and learn from it.  Then they reconfigure their plays to refrain from making the same mistakes with their next opponent.  So after reviewing the tapes, I learned:

~Recognize a Defensive End:  I had forgotten how defensive this friend has been in years past.  However, a red flag went up with I told her my stance on the situation, using “I” phrases so as not to insinuate blame, wrong thinking or wrong doing, and she reacted aggressively and defensively. I told her that I would be taking a different direction than the one she pursued.  She most likely perceived that as me saying that that direction was wrong and felt offended by what I said.

Defensive people are generally insecure or feel shame or inadequate in some way.  They feel accused unjustifiably and they attacked by you.  Their defensiveness is in an effort to avoid feeling the underlying shame or worthlessness.  Defensive people utilize defensiveness as self-protection.  Self-protection is human nature, but only when the person is actually being attacked (Stringer et al.).

~Never Explain Yourself: Someone once said, “Never explain.  Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.” I thought it was a simple misunderstanding so I went on to clarify what I said, thinking this would defuse the defensiveness.  Bad idea! 

If you try to explain yourself to a defensive person, they process it as you’re criticizing them and essentially accusing them of wrongdoing.  So all that does is fuel the defensiveness in them.  A defensive person may retaliate by attacking back with negative criticism, discourteousness, vulgarity, curtness, blaming, etc.  

It’s only natural for the other person to then get up in arms about the defensive person’s snarky behavior.  Take it from me, a passive person who generally does anything to avoid conflict, it is easy to become defensive when your character, intellect, morals or what have you, are attacked.  Martha Beck says that mirror neurons in your brain fire in resonance with the feelings of the people around you.  Basically part of our brain reorganizes itself to match the other person’s brain (Beck).  This is exactly what a defensive person wants.  They feed off your defensiveness and it generates a sense of purpose or self-worth in them.  This is the clashing of two egos.  What happens when more two or more egos battle for interstellar domination?  A Big Bang!

~Turtle Power:  This is one of the best methods for dealing with a defensive person.  Martha Beck wrote that there is no good way of effectively dealing with a highly defensive person, but if you cannot avoid a highly defensive person (i.e. your boss, co-worker, or etc.), act like a turtle.  The turtle has a nearly indestructible shell, so when they are attacked they draw in their head and appendages.   When a highly defensive person attacks you, and you feel the urge to lash back, draw in your emotions, into your emotional shell (Beck). 

~Wrestling a Crocodile:  This is Beck’s next rung on the evolutionary chain of reptile wrangling.  She utilizes the methods of the late, Steve Irwin, who loved to cradle crocodiles, but learned to lovingly sidestep their violent attacks towards him.  Irwin would talk sweetly to crocs and other critters saying, “Aren’t you gorgeous” and “You’re alright, Sweetheart.”  Try to find the positive aspect of this person and mirror that instead of their antagonism.   Beck prefers the remark, “All is well.”   She goes on to say that it may seem off-point, but so is the defensiveness of the other person.  

Now, I feel well equipped to effectively deal with any reptilian defensive end, from a gecko to Godzilla!  

External Sources:
Beck, Martha. "Wait - Are You Implying I Need to Read This Article?"  O, the Oprah Magazine May 2007.  Harpo Productions, Inc.  <http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleoprah.aspx?cp-documentid=8319383&page=0>.

Stringer, Kathi and Respected Authors.  "Defensive Pattern."  Toddler Time Network.  2008.  <http://www.toddlertime.com/mh/terms/defensive.htm>.