After my experience with my defensive friend (I'll call her Dee), it was too late to salvage much. We did apologize to each other. I told Dee that I would like to remain friends, but that we needed to work on a few things. I haven’t heard back from her since, so that makes it hard to work on the friendship!
Before I decided to apologize for my defensiveness, I admit that I was mad at her. Dee had criticized my decision and criticized me. I felt she was projecting her anger off onto me. I still feel my anger was warranted considering her behavior, but I took the high road. I did not continue to explain, defend, or justify anything. I wished her well. The End – right?
I must admit that the high road was not as fulfilling as one might think, or so I thought. Sure, it sounded good, but it did not put my mind at ease. I wanted to say more – to have my voice heard! Even now, I feel the urge to call Dee and let her know that she wronged me and it is not acceptable, even if she feels ashamed of something and was acting out on account of that. I wanted to knock her off her high horse, and prove to her that aggressive behavior and defensiveness were not appropriate. I wanted to tell her to see a therapist or clergyman! I have read and learned a lot of information about defensiveness and defensive people and it all maked sense, but it was not satisfying. I wanted to unhorse her!
I talked to my mother (or my brainstorm partner). She asked me why I could not just let it go. I honestly did not know at first. I am not a drama seeker or a negativity seeker. I do not want to live my life focusing on resentment. I can give my time and energy to more important people and more important things in my life. So why was I holding onto this anger?
It finally occurred to me, while talking to my mother. I have mentioned a few times now that I am a passive person. I generally try to avoid conflict like the plague. However, a passive person inevitably will find oneself in conflict. I often find myself in the doormat position of conflict – I give in to avoid further conflict and allow myself to be walked all over. So for someone who often feels taken advantage of and often succumbs to keep the peace, the high road felt like no road at all. Taking the high road felt like I didn’t stand up for myself. It felt like the cowardly way out. It felt like the doormat (and if I was going to play the doormat, I kind of wanted to pull it out from under foot)! It felt unjust!
Where is the justice in taking the high road? There is justice to taking the high road, but it was hard for me to wrap my head around it considering I am the total opposite of the defensive aggressor. The justice is that a defensive person needs to be defensive. They need for someone to light their fuse and to throw an accelerant on it. They need defensiveness so they do not have to succumb to the pain, the shame, the worthlessness, etc.
Taking the high road is having control of your own fuse. Taking the high road is being the victor of your emotions, not the victim. Taking the high road is taking narrow road. “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it” (Matthew 7:13-14). I chose to take the high road, and found myself in good company!
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