Thoughtful Thursday!

How often are you "thoughtful" of someone else?  What I mean by that is how often do you think about the needs and wants of someone other than yourself?  
I consider myself fairly thoughtful person.  Some might say too thoughtful at times, but I have noticed that I do spend a lot of time thinking about myself.   My goal is to do something "thoughtful" for someone each week, so each Thursday I will post my thoughtful goal for the week and then report back!  
My first thoughtful Thursday task is to Pay it Forward!  I know most of you probably know what this means and there is a movie about it.  I have heard of people "paying it forward" by buying the meal of the person behind them at the fast food drive through and other anonymous gestures.  I recently had someone ask me to pay it forward, and sadly, I have yet to do it.
I was at Walmart a few months ago, right before Christmas -so you can imagine the mayhem.  I just needed to make a quick run in and out, and had my baby with me.  I pulled through my parking space into the empty space in front of me to leave the parking lot when I nudged the bumper of a truck.  I couldn't believe it happened.  I pull into another spot and got out to check the damage on my car and the truck.  There was a little paint transfer, but no real damage.
I have never caused a wreck or hit any vehicle before, so I wasn't sure what to do.  I didn't want to just drive off , although I was tempted!  I didn't want to file a report with the police because it was not a serious accident.  However, I didn't know when the owner of the truck would come out of Walmart - at Christmas time!  I decided to wait it out - with my baby in the car!!!  Luckily my baby was a good sport about it.  He was easily entertained, took a bottle and I changed a diaper, all while waiting over an hour for the owner of the truck to come out.
Finally, the owner came out.  He was an older gentleman.  I walked up to him, baby in tow, and introduced myself and told him what had happened.  He rubbed his finger over the bumper and most of the paint transfer from my car wiped right off.  He told me that he really appreciated that I told him about it and said not to worry about his truck, but instead do something nice for someone else!  Pay it Forward!

High Road or High Horse

After my experience with my defensive friend (I'll call her Dee), it was too late to salvage much.  We did apologize to each other.  I told Dee that I would like to remain friends, but that we needed to work on a few things.  I haven’t heard back from her since, so that makes it hard to work on the friendship! 

Before I decided to apologize for my defensiveness, I admit that I was mad at her.  Dee had criticized my decision and criticized me.  I felt she was projecting her anger off onto me.  I still feel my anger was warranted considering her behavior, but I took the high road.  I did not continue to explain, defend, or justify anything.  I wished her well.  The End – right?

 I must admit that the high road was not as fulfilling as one might think, or so I thought.  Sure, it sounded good, but it did not put my mind at ease.  I wanted to say more – to have my voice heard!  Even now, I feel the urge to call Dee and let her know that she wronged me and it is not acceptable, even if she feels ashamed of something and was acting out on account of that.  I wanted to knock her off her high horse, and prove to her that aggressive behavior and defensiveness were not appropriate.  I wanted to tell her to see a therapist or clergyman!  I have read and learned a lot of information about defensiveness and defensive people and it all maked sense, but it was not satisfying.  I wanted to unhorse her!

I talked to my mother (or my brainstorm partner).  She asked me why I could not just let it go.  I honestly did not know at first.  I am not a drama seeker or a negativity seeker.  I do not want to live my life focusing on resentment.  I can give my time and energy to more important people and more important things in my life.   So why was I holding onto this anger?   

It finally occurred to me, while talking to my mother.  I have mentioned a few times now that I am a passive person.  I generally try to avoid conflict like the plague.   However, a passive person inevitably will find oneself in conflict.  I often find myself in the doormat position of conflict – I give in to avoid further conflict and allow myself to be walked all over.  So for someone who often feels taken advantage of and often succumbs to keep the peace, the high road felt like no road at all.  Taking the high road felt like I didn’t stand up for myself.  It felt like the cowardly way out.  It felt like the doormat (and if I was going to play the doormat, I kind of wanted to pull it out from under foot)!  It felt unjust!

Where is the justice in taking the high road?  There is justice to taking the high road, but it was hard for me to wrap my head around it considering I am the total opposite of the defensive aggressor.  The justice is that a defensive person needs to be defensive.  They need for someone to light their fuse and to throw an accelerant on it.  They need defensiveness so they do not have to succumb to the pain, the shame, the worthlessness, etc.

Taking the high road is having control of your own fuse.  Taking the high road is being the victor of your emotions, not the victim.  Taking the high road is taking narrow road.  “Enter through the narrow gate.  For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.  But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it” (Matthew 7:13-14).   I chose to take the high road, and found myself in good company!

Reviewing the Tapes

After each game the players sit down and review the tapes of the game they just played to learn from their mistakes.  The idea is that they recognize the mistakes they made with that opponent and learn from it.  Then they reconfigure their plays to refrain from making the same mistakes with their next opponent.  So after reviewing the tapes, I learned:

~Recognize a Defensive End:  I had forgotten how defensive this friend has been in years past.  However, a red flag went up with I told her my stance on the situation, using “I” phrases so as not to insinuate blame, wrong thinking or wrong doing, and she reacted aggressively and defensively. I told her that I would be taking a different direction than the one she pursued.  She most likely perceived that as me saying that that direction was wrong and felt offended by what I said.

Defensive people are generally insecure or feel shame or inadequate in some way.  They feel accused unjustifiably and they attacked by you.  Their defensiveness is in an effort to avoid feeling the underlying shame or worthlessness.  Defensive people utilize defensiveness as self-protection.  Self-protection is human nature, but only when the person is actually being attacked (Stringer et al.).

~Never Explain Yourself: Someone once said, “Never explain.  Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.” I thought it was a simple misunderstanding so I went on to clarify what I said, thinking this would defuse the defensiveness.  Bad idea! 

If you try to explain yourself to a defensive person, they process it as you’re criticizing them and essentially accusing them of wrongdoing.  So all that does is fuel the defensiveness in them.  A defensive person may retaliate by attacking back with negative criticism, discourteousness, vulgarity, curtness, blaming, etc.  

It’s only natural for the other person to then get up in arms about the defensive person’s snarky behavior.  Take it from me, a passive person who generally does anything to avoid conflict, it is easy to become defensive when your character, intellect, morals or what have you, are attacked.  Martha Beck says that mirror neurons in your brain fire in resonance with the feelings of the people around you.  Basically part of our brain reorganizes itself to match the other person’s brain (Beck).  This is exactly what a defensive person wants.  They feed off your defensiveness and it generates a sense of purpose or self-worth in them.  This is the clashing of two egos.  What happens when more two or more egos battle for interstellar domination?  A Big Bang!

~Turtle Power:  This is one of the best methods for dealing with a defensive person.  Martha Beck wrote that there is no good way of effectively dealing with a highly defensive person, but if you cannot avoid a highly defensive person (i.e. your boss, co-worker, or etc.), act like a turtle.  The turtle has a nearly indestructible shell, so when they are attacked they draw in their head and appendages.   When a highly defensive person attacks you, and you feel the urge to lash back, draw in your emotions, into your emotional shell (Beck). 

~Wrestling a Crocodile:  This is Beck’s next rung on the evolutionary chain of reptile wrangling.  She utilizes the methods of the late, Steve Irwin, who loved to cradle crocodiles, but learned to lovingly sidestep their violent attacks towards him.  Irwin would talk sweetly to crocs and other critters saying, “Aren’t you gorgeous” and “You’re alright, Sweetheart.”  Try to find the positive aspect of this person and mirror that instead of their antagonism.   Beck prefers the remark, “All is well.”   She goes on to say that it may seem off-point, but so is the defensiveness of the other person.  

Now, I feel well equipped to effectively deal with any reptilian defensive end, from a gecko to Godzilla!  

External Sources:
Beck, Martha. "Wait - Are You Implying I Need to Read This Article?"  O, the Oprah Magazine May 2007.  Harpo Productions, Inc.  <http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleoprah.aspx?cp-documentid=8319383&page=0>.

Stringer, Kathi and Respected Authors.  "Defensive Pattern."  Toddler Time Network.  2008.  <http://www.toddlertime.com/mh/terms/defensive.htm>.  

The Defensive End

I thought I would kick off the personal experience section of this blog with an experience that recently happened.  This experience is actually one of the reasons I decided to start this blog.  I will divulge the details shortly, but basically this experience has had so many learning experiences and relative issues to so many of the personal growth books I've read in the past, that I had to share.  I am going to share the details, although written metaphorically to protect the other person involved.   As you can probably tell from the title of this posting, the experience did not end how I would have preferred, but it was a blessing in disguise for certain!

In the South, where I’m from, football is a second religion. Down here you will find that we name our children after people in the Bible and football players! I know there is bound to be a Baby Tebow around here somewhere! One of the first things I realized from the argument with this person was that they were very defensive. I believe that defensiveness is human nature, but some people are overly sensitive to certain subjects or behaviors and end up lashing out.

So why does this bring football to mind. Well, there is a “defensive” line in football, but most pertinent to this issue, is the defensive end. The defensive end has two jobs, basically. If the play is a running play they are supposed to keep the running back from getting outside – in other words, contain him in the big mess of other players to slow him down and thwart his efforts of gaining yardage. If the play is a passing play, the defensive end’s task is to get to the quarterback quickly and disrupt the pass – typically by blocking the pass, slapping at the ball, or even going so far as tackling the quarterback. So, I thought this was a great representation of what recently transpired.

I will assume that I was the quarterback and offense in this disagreement. I can honestly say that I was passive with my friend in some areas, but I made a great effort to handle the matter assertively and that was the fly in the ointment. I’d like to think of the quarterback as an assertive position. Assertive people are direct and open with their intentions, much like a quarterback.

So there I was in a beautiful I-formation, first and goal, thinking I was destined for a touchdown with minimal impact. In the beginning of the play, she came on strong. She found a hole or weak spot in the “offensive line” of my statement to her that I would be “passing” on her advice. I was stunned by how quickly she moved! She came out of a 3-point stance and before I knew it she was slapping at the ball – telling me I didn’t know what I was talking about and neither did our Offensive Coordinator or Quarterback Coach. I didn’t fumble, but I didn’t connect with the receiver either. I had to reconfigure the play and came back to the line of scrimmage with a different formation.

For the second attempt, I tried to explain that I thought she misunderstood what I was saying and explained the credentials of my coordinator and coach. This time she bull-rushed me. I felt the heat in the pocket and reverted back to my passive behavior and threw the ball away thinking this play wasn’t going anywhere, but I wanted to maintain possession of the ball.

The third attempt, I decided to go third and goal, but she blocked the pass. The ball was loose! Chaos ensued as both sides are tried to gain or regain possession of the ball. It was a proverbial dogpile! Tempers flared, emotions erupted, unsportsmanlike conduct and “Your Mommas” ensued (just kidding, but it did get kind of childish)!

So I felt that I had no choice to relinquish my duty and dignity and start kicking! That’s right, time for Special Teams! Basically, this was the worst thing I could of done because my place kicker got tackled by the defensive end! She attacked my decision as a parent and told me what I was doing was bad for my baby and wrong. Flag on the play…personal foul! I felt at that point I had no choice but to end the ballgame.

After taking some time to cool off I decided to do the right thing and shake hands with the defensive end.  I apologized for bringing in the Special Teams and she apologized for tackling my place kicker and unsportsmanlike conduct.  Then I asked her why it was that we couldn't just play a nice clean game, because we have had trouble with that in the past.  She explained that she always thought we had played a clean game but that I brought the heat in the friendship a few times.  I explained that my reaction to her was completely appropriate.  I explained that I felt we could be friends and have a nice clean game in the future, but it would take some compromising.  I haven't heard from the Defensive End since.  

I truly believe that the outcome of this experience was for the best!  It was chalk full of learning experiences, but I hate that the friendship had a defensive end!

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of the Lenten season, 40 days before Easter, if you do not count Sundays.  Basically this is a season of fasting before Easter.  Not all Christians observe Lent, but you will surely know the ones who have been to an Ash Wednesday service because they have the mark of the cross in ashes on their forehead.
Modern day "fasting" for most of us Christians is not rationing out food, but rather utilizing self-discipline by giving up something (a particular food or drink or bad habit).  So for me this means no more soft drinks until Easter! Technically, the Sundays of the Lenten season don't count, otherwise Lent would be more like 46 days than 40.  So some Lenten observers can have or do what they gave up, but only on Sundays.
I chose to give up soft drinks because I have become addicted to caffeine and the amount of sugar in soft drinks.  I know soft drinks are not good for me and I have become too reliant on them to get me moving in the morning and to keep me awake during the day, especially with a little one in the house!  So for me, Sundays are not free pass days to drink soft drinks.  Otherwise, I will start to loathe each Monday until Easter!
I was very tempted this morning to choose something else to give up for Lent.  I was up with the baby several times last night, so the Coke in my refrigerator this morning looked wonderful!  I actually got the Coke out and a glass and tried to open the Coke bottle, but the cap wouldn't budge.  I started to run some hot water in the sink to run over the bottle cap to help break the pressure seal, and then I decided I was going to be strong and resist the urge.  I put the Coke back in the refrigerator as I thought about all the sacrifices Jesus made for me.  He gave up his life for me.  The least I could do was give up soft drinks!
Also, I am starting a new personal growth book in conjunction with Lent.  I bought the book The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren a few weeks ago and found out that it is a 40 day spiritual journey. The author even mentions the significance of 40 days in various stories of the Bible.  So I thought it was very fitting for the Lenten season, even though that was not mentioned in the book!  I will be reading a chapter a day everyday except Sunday.  So I should know my life's purpose by Easter!

Fat Tuesday!

I LOVE Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras as some call it! I love the idea about being able to eat fattening, sugar-filled mounds of food to the point that I want to puke and not feel guilty about it!  I guess you could technically eat healthy food too but where is the fun in that?
As a kid this was one of the best days of my life.  We went to church for a Fat Tuesday feast and we got to eat stuff that Mom typically didn't cook or recommend (i.e. pancakes with every kind of syrup imaginable, butter, waffles, pastries, etc)!  Then we ran around the church fellowship hall strung out on sugar - like we had snorted Fun Dip up our nose or something! So much fun!
However, as an adult we have to contain ourselves.  Typically my husband and I carry out the church festivities by going to IHOP!  Over the past few years other Fat Tuesdayers have caught onto this holiday and now it's a madhouse trying to get into an IHOP.  IHOP didn't help the situation by recently offering a free stack of pancakes to the people that come on this day!  This year it is actually the Tuesday, the 23rd, so maybe IHOP will not be so crowded!
Last year our efforts to get into IHOP were thwarted by the free pancake seekers.  We considered Waffle House, but their food tends to be a little greasier and I'm not a huge fan of grease.  Butter-yes; Grease -no!  So we ended up going to Cracker Barrel!  If you are from the south and live near an interstate then you know what Cracker Barrel is.  If you've never been to Cracker Barrel, find the closest location and make a trip.  The menu is packed with homestyle comfort food - great for Fat Tuesday!
This year we are going to attempt to get to IHOP early, in hopes of beating the rush.  However, we will keep Cracker Barrel in our back pocket - they always pull through in a pinch!

4:8 Your Mate

Valentine's Day is upon us! For many people, this is the one day each year that you and your significant other go above and beyond to show the other how much they are loved! I will be the first to admit that I like getting gifts, but more importantly, I LOVE giving gifts!

My husband and I started dating in college. We were like most college students and didn't have a lot of money (except after selling back our text books at the end of the semester!), but we always got each other a special Valentine's Day gift! If you asked me today what all the Valentine's Day gifts I received, I could tell you one, actually two. My husband got me two stuffed animals for our first Valentine's Day, but other than that, I cannot recall any other gifts. This means one of two things: either my husband is not very good at buy memorable gifts, or the gifts themselves, don't really matter. I choose the latter!

This year, since we have a baby, the idea of going out to eat with all the other crazy love birds seemed more chaotic than romantic, so we opted to stay at home and I cooked dinner. After the baby went to bed we had time to share some romance. I recently read a book called, The 4:8 Principle: The Secret to a Joy-filled Life, by Tommy Newberry. This book is based off Philippians 4:8, in which the apostle Paul asks us to think positively. At the end of the book, in the Afterward section, the author lists what he calls 4:8 Questions to help you continue to think positive. There are questions for a 4:8 Marriage. My husband and I decided to sit down and answer these questions openly with each other. It was the most romantic gifts of my life, as corny as that may sound! So many times I think these amazing thoughts or pray for my husband, our family and our marriage, but rarely do we sit down and actually share what is on our minds or in our prayers to each other. What a great gift to give!

If you would like to 4:8 your mate or your marriage, check out the 4:8 website. You can print off some bookmarks that have a few different the 4:8 Questions on them under the 'toolbox' section. I use these bookmarks in the books I read in the morning and evening, so I sandwich my day with positivity!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Purpose and Overview

Mark Twain once said, "There are no mistakes in life, only lessons to be learned...." This is a blog about my personal experiences and journey of personal growth and development! I have been practicing personal growth and development in one form or another for roughly ten years. I personally have found that I may read a powerful book, empowering quote, or success story and put it into action, but before long, I revert right back to the same 'unconscious' self, that is stuck in a rut. This has happened time and again. So, I decided that if I start sharing my knowledge of what I've learned and what I have put into practice, then it will stay fresh in my mind.  I hope to be accountable, to not only myself, but to anyone who reads this blog!

There are many other great personal development blogs on the internet, so you may be wondering how this blog is different. The fundamental aspect that sets this personal growth and development blog apart is that this blog is faith-based. I believe that in order to truly grow and develop, you have to have a strong foundation in faith.  Jesus said, "So then, anyone who hears these words of mine and obeys them is like a wise man who built his house on rock. The rain poured down, the rivers flooded over, and the wind blew hard against that house. But it did not fall because it was built on rock" (Matthew 7:24-25). Otherwise the journey of personal growth and development is like building castles on the sand. One strong wave or a high tide of life can level your facade.

I would like to take the time to also address another significant difference about this blog. I am not an assertive person by nature, (I am currently working on that aspect of my personality, so say tuned for postings on that!), but I want to set the tone for this blog in the beginning. This blog is not a "Dear Abby" advice-seeking blog! Someone once told me that when you give advice, you alienate people. I have no desire to alienate anyone who reads this blog. This blog is intended to share my journey of personal growth and the lessons learned along the way. I hope you will join me on this journey and implement my experiences in your own life. My reason for sharing my journey in a public forum is in hopes of enriching my life and the lives of the readers by empowering the mind, enlightening the soul, and embracing Faith!