Turn Turn Turn

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven"  (Ecclesiastes 3:1).
If you are like me, you like certainty, security and stability.  I cling to certainty, security and stability, yet oddly enough, my job is considered by most to be uncertain and unstable.  Why you may ask?  Because my job is dependent on people, and people are a HUGE variable!  With the economy the way it is, the only thing that is certain is uncertainty - change!  I don't want to come across as being Debbie Downer today.  Change can be good.  Change is good!  Change is God!

Today, I was blindsided by change.  I was blindsided by my coworker!  Move over Sandra because the Oscar goes to my coworker!  I'm not insinuating that my coworker was putting on a show or an act, but if anyone is going to win an award for "the blindside" it should be my coworker!

My coworker was a hard worker.  And to top it off, she was very good at her job!  She was so good and worked so hard that it pushed me to work harder and be better at my job!  So for her to tell me today that she would no longer be working with me, came completely out of left field!  She voluntarily quit a job that provided an income and paid her bills.  She left a job when so many others are struggling to find one.  I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around it!

I think I am handling this change fairly well considering that I'm losing a wonderful team member, revenue, production and income and at a time when I'm still adjusting to my biggest change in life - my baby!  I generally don't handle change well.  I never did.  I was one of those kids that cried when Mom dropped me off at daycare and cried when she picked me up!  Today, I have a tendency to cling to the past.  However,  I know that some things...some people are only meant to be in our lives for a moment in time - a season.

It has been a dream of mine to grow my business.  In order to do that effectively, I need to grow my team.  So to lose a team member at this point in time is a bit devastating.  Oddly enough, I had a conference call earlier this week with one of my business mentors.  She talked about emotional management.  As a woman, this is so important!  With any dream or goal, there is bound to be some level of disappointment.  Things will not always go according to plan.  There will be a few stumbling blocks along the way - opportunities to make things better.  However, we have to manage our emotions in order to succeed in our dream.

Emotional management is cyclical.  In the cycle, there are four phases:  excitement, frustration/shock, fear/crisis, and recommitment.

Excitement Phase: At this phase, you have decided your dream or goal.  You are excited because you know it will happen if you keep working and work hard!

Frustration/Shock:  This is the bump in the road.  At this phase, you get frustrated that things are not going according to plan, or you are shocked by something that you had not planned for (e.g. your best coworker/ team member quit!).  You become impatient with yourself, you become impatient with your coworkers or team, and you may become impatient with your clientele.

Fear/Crisis:  This is the phase where you may fear the unknown or fear the change.  You want to quit or throw in the towel.  At this phase it feels easier to just be complacent.

Recommitment:  This is the phase were you recapture your dream.  You've taken a step back, calmed down, re-evaluated the situation, gathered your thoughts, and you've reignited the fire of desire for your dream or goal.

The key to emotional management is how quickly you move through the phases.  Sometimes I go through the phases all in one day.  Sometimes it takes a few days, a few weeks, or a few months to really recapture the dream.  The quicker you can move through the cycle, the better you will be.  Hopefully you come out of the cycle with a stronger sense of purpose.

One of the books I turned to when I got the news that my coworker was quitting was One Month to Live: Thirty Days to a No-Regrets Life by Kerry and Chris Shook.  They have a chapter or lesson designated for each day.  The lesson that pertains to this posting is called Hurricanes.  The Shooks state that "We can't prevent the hurricane winds of change from blowing into our lives....The winds of change will either make you stronger or knock you down....In your career, a lost opportunity can snuff our your dream or inspire you to fan the flames more vigorously." (136).

As I write this post, I'm "turning" through the phases.  I started out in the frustration/shock phase.  I was shocked from the news.  Then I thought about just throwing away the possibility of growing my business and just sticking out mediocrity because it's easier.  I didn't want to deal with the growing pains.  Now, I've decided that I'm not going to let one person or any person steal my dream, or control my dream.  It's MY dream!  So when you find yourself in a hurricane of change or a bump in the road, in the words of the Byrds "turn turn turn"!

Thoughtful Thursday: Care Bear!

Theodore Roosevelt said, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."  Good ole Teddy!  It seems nowadays we are all caught up in ourselves.  I am guilty of this!  I get into the "me me me" funk from time to time.  I noticed myself slipping into that funk this week.  So Thoughtful Thursday couldn't have come at a better time!
This week, I am challenging myself to let someone or some people know that I care - genuinely care!  I notice a lot of people's experiences, both negative and positive, through their blogs, emails, Facebook statuses and twitter tweets.  However, I don't always verbalize my thoughts about it.  I may think about a person, but I don't let them know I'm thinking of them.  So this week, I plan to make a few phone calls, send a few heart-felt notes or emails, just to let the people in my life know that I care and I'm thinking of them!  I want to celebrate their successes, rejoice in their blessings, offer a hand in their time of need, and let them know I'm praying for them!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Byron Katie once said, “Everyone is a mirror imagine of yourself – your own thinking coming back at you.”  If you’re like me, you read that statement and think there is no way that could be true!   We all know a gossip queen, a procrastinator, a curmudgeon, a drama queen, a negative Nelly, a lazy Lorraine, a Debby downer, and especially in my case, a defensive end!  I wouldn’t consider myself any of those, really.  I consider myself more of a tenderhearted Plain Jane!  

While I had a little down time after Dee did not contact me back about our falling-out, I kept wondering how she was a mirror imagine of myself.  I’m passive.  She is aggressive and defensive.  I admit that I became defensive.  As mentioned in the “Reviewing the Tapes” posting, Martha Beck said that our brains start to mirror the behavior of the other person.  So, I could sort of understand that; however, I was reacting directly to her defensiveness.  I was mirroring her behavior, but what Byron Katie was talking about was Dee's behavior was the mirror of my behavior. 

Confused yet?  Well, this week, Dee finally contacted me back.  We decided to hash a few things out a little, to be honest and to be forthcoming.  It was probably the first time we had both been truthful and forthcoming with our feelings in a long time.  We’ve known each other for almost a decade, but more on a superficial level – casual friends.  Since we reconnected a few years ago, Dee had demanded a lot of my time.  I don’t mind to give time to friends.  Friends are important.  We are social creatures - that's why God made a mate for Adam - so it only makes sense.

However, Dee demanded my time, only through the Internet – emails, social networking, etc.  I worked so I didn’t have as much time to devote to the Internet socializing.  I asked several times if she would like to meet for lunch or at each other’s homes or at an event.  She never came through.  I offered her a position with my company, when there was an opening.  She did a phone interview, turned down the offer, and then called me back within the hour and said that she might still want it.  I sent her some more information on the company and position through email and snail mail, and asked her to call when she had a chance to look over the information.  She never called back. 

After that, if I called her, she would dodge all my calls.  When I say all I mean all!  She never once answered the phone when I called.  I left messages saying what the call was about  - lunch dates, parties, etc.  If she acknowledged that I called, it was through email.  Wow!  If that’s not inconsiderate (I will post about the hierarchy of communication at a later date)!  However, she would continue to send emails almost daily, as if nothing were wrong. 

Over time, I became fed up with her emails.  I felt the Internet was a cop out for not having to actually talk to me or see me.  I didn’t want or need a pen pal.  I wanted and needed a friend!  We lived within thirty minutes driving time of each other, so I felt there was no reason why over the past few years, we couldn’t have gotten together at some point. 

My return emails started becoming shorter and shorter.  I wanted to stay civil, but couldn’t devote the time to entertain her through emails.  We drifted apart over the next few months.  Then she joined another social networking site that I was a member of and all this mess started all over again, like we were best friends. 

So in our most recent conversation (through email, of course), I mentioned to her that I would love to be friends, but I didn’t want to be a pen pal.  If she was going to continue to hide behind a computer, then I wasn’t up for it.  Not that we couldn’t be civil to one another, but I didn’t want the novelesque emails about her life, especially since she never asked how I was.  I was willing to put time into things where time is due, but not into entertaining someone else’s boredom.  She replied by saying that she dodged my calls and some emails and never wanted to meet me because of the situation about the open job position situation a few years prior.  She said that I constantly talked about it, invited her to events about it, sent her information, etc., and she felt pressured.  She said she didn’t want to have the job issue brought up, so she avoided me…except when she had something to say.

She was right, to some extent.  I did talk about my job.  It’s my job.  It’s part of my life.  So it comes up from time to time.  I did invite her to job-related events.  If I can invite friends or potential clients to an event, why not invite a friend I haven’t send in a decade, so it’s a little less intimate, and maybe a little less awkward.  I also invited her to personal (non job-related) gatherings.   

So while I was thinking of how to express this in my return email, I had an Aha moment.  I realized how our issues with one another were mirroring.  So I explained.  The way she described her feelings of pressure when I mentioned my job or invited her to a job-related event and that she thought I did it constantly (I’ll still argue that point!), was very similar to they way I felt when she kept barraging me with her suggestions that I mentioned in “The Defensive End.”  I still believe the reality of what she felt is a little skewed, but nonetheless, that’s apparently the way she felt. 

The other way I felt Dee was a mirror image of me was actually in reference to her only using email and social networking to contact me.  For some reason it just really rubbed me the wrong way.  I felt some face-time was a more beneficial way to have a friendship. 

So how is that the mirror of myself?  Well, I fall back on email too much when dealing with my clients for my job.   I use the Internet as a cop out to not have to pick up the phone and call.  I know a phone call would be more effective, and in turn, more beneficial to me than an email.  My reasoning for using my cop out is that to this day, even though I use the phone quite a bit for my job, I’m still a nervous phone talker.  With email, I can edit before I send something.  With the spoken word, I can’t.  Then my internal dialog starts sabotaging the rest of my conversation, as I think about how stupid I sound or how nervous I sound!  Also, now that I work from home and care for my child at home, I could potentially have a screamer in the background while trying to accomplish a business call.  Emails don’t have audio!  So, I actually hide behind the computer!

Each person in our life is here for a reason.  We learn about ourselves when we acknowledge the wrong doing in others.  So the next time someone cuts you off in traffic and you think “I hate it when people cut me off,” think of when or in what instance you could possibly be cutting people off, literally and figuratively.  "Therefore, you have no excuse-every one of you who judges. For when you pass judgment on another person, you condemn yourself, since you, the judge, practice the very same things" (Romans 2:1).


To learn more about the mirroring effect, check out Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is.  She does what she calls The Work, with four questions that can change your life!

Success is Scheduled

I am self-employed, so my success is solely dependent on myself.  I also work from home now, so I can be with my little bundle of joy.  In the past few months, I have noticed my productivity has declined, and thus my “success” at work has declined.  There's no denying that having a baby around makes getting anything done very difficult!  Babies require a lot of cuddle time, play time, feeding time, and lots of anytime! 

So, in the past few months, I have found it very difficult to juggle baby time with work time during the day.  I know there are millions of Moms out there that also juggle working at home and caring for a child or children at home, so what are they doing that I am not?  I have been successful at work before, so why am I not right now?

I have read plenty of motivational business books.  Many say that success is in the schedule.  The premise of this is that we are all given the same 24 hours a day, so how we use that time determines what we will accomplish and how much we will accomplish.  I agree with these books, but what I have found is that success is not just in the schedule but is scheduled.  I don’t know too many people who have just stumbled upon success.  Yes, there are people who have a lot handed to them, which appears to be success, but for the most part, success takes work. 

Personally, what I have found is that if I do not delegate time each day or each week specifically for me to work then work does not get done or not a lot of work-related activity is accomplished.  It is so easy, when you work from home to get caught up in doing other things, when you should be working.  There is no one to make sure you are doing your work.  There’s no one to report to.  It is so easy to fall victim to laundry, dishes, house cleaning, or even watching TV and checking email.  By the time you have a free moment to work, it’s time for bed!

I have started implementing my old scheduling habits that I found very helpful and successful prior to motherhood. 

~Use a Calendar:  This is the oldest trick in the book.  One thing I have noticed, being a new mom is that information falls out of my head.  My memory is TERRIBLE now!  So, we have a master monthly calendar up in the kitchen, where any and every event or appointment goes on that calendar. 

~Use a Schedule or Planner:  My monthly calendar then gets broken down weekly.  I use a weekly plan sheet that is broken down into hour-long intervals.  This way, I can block off time each day to work.  Anything from feeding the baby, house cleaning, personal time, and work time all go on this plan sheet. 

One thing I have noticed by using a weekly plan sheet is that, I notice when I have free time.  Nowadays all I hear is how busy we all are.  This planner shows you exactly how busy you are or aren’t!

~Color-coding:  I color code my weekly plan sheet, that way it visually separates the different activities of my day.  I use different colored highlighters to highlight my different daily activities.  My personal growth/religious time is blue because I think of blue as a calming color.  Family/fun time is orange because it is a fun color.  Work time is green because work equals money and money is green!  Baby time is purple.  Appointments and errands are pink, and daily activities such as showers, hair and make up and meal times are yellow. 

The great thing about color-coding is that I can quickly glance at the schedule and know if I have scheduled enough work time or family time.  The goal is for those activities to be proportional.    

~Make Your Schedule Visible:  I put a copy of my weekly plan sheet on the refrigerator.  That way, I see it several times during the day, but most importantly, my husband sees it.  If he knows what color work time is, he knows he’s on baby duty during the green time! 

If you schedule time for work, you schedule time for success!  It also makes family time more special to know that you have nothing else going on during that time - just you and your family having fun being together!  That sounds like success to me!

Thoughtful Thursday!

How often are you "thoughtful" of someone else?  What I mean by that is how often do you think about the needs and wants of someone other than yourself?  
I consider myself fairly thoughtful person.  Some might say too thoughtful at times, but I have noticed that I do spend a lot of time thinking about myself.   My goal is to do something "thoughtful" for someone each week, so each Thursday I will post my thoughtful goal for the week and then report back!  
My first thoughtful Thursday task is to Pay it Forward!  I know most of you probably know what this means and there is a movie about it.  I have heard of people "paying it forward" by buying the meal of the person behind them at the fast food drive through and other anonymous gestures.  I recently had someone ask me to pay it forward, and sadly, I have yet to do it.
I was at Walmart a few months ago, right before Christmas -so you can imagine the mayhem.  I just needed to make a quick run in and out, and had my baby with me.  I pulled through my parking space into the empty space in front of me to leave the parking lot when I nudged the bumper of a truck.  I couldn't believe it happened.  I pull into another spot and got out to check the damage on my car and the truck.  There was a little paint transfer, but no real damage.
I have never caused a wreck or hit any vehicle before, so I wasn't sure what to do.  I didn't want to just drive off , although I was tempted!  I didn't want to file a report with the police because it was not a serious accident.  However, I didn't know when the owner of the truck would come out of Walmart - at Christmas time!  I decided to wait it out - with my baby in the car!!!  Luckily my baby was a good sport about it.  He was easily entertained, took a bottle and I changed a diaper, all while waiting over an hour for the owner of the truck to come out.
Finally, the owner came out.  He was an older gentleman.  I walked up to him, baby in tow, and introduced myself and told him what had happened.  He rubbed his finger over the bumper and most of the paint transfer from my car wiped right off.  He told me that he really appreciated that I told him about it and said not to worry about his truck, but instead do something nice for someone else!  Pay it Forward!

High Road or High Horse

After my experience with my defensive friend (I'll call her Dee), it was too late to salvage much.  We did apologize to each other.  I told Dee that I would like to remain friends, but that we needed to work on a few things.  I haven’t heard back from her since, so that makes it hard to work on the friendship! 

Before I decided to apologize for my defensiveness, I admit that I was mad at her.  Dee had criticized my decision and criticized me.  I felt she was projecting her anger off onto me.  I still feel my anger was warranted considering her behavior, but I took the high road.  I did not continue to explain, defend, or justify anything.  I wished her well.  The End – right?

 I must admit that the high road was not as fulfilling as one might think, or so I thought.  Sure, it sounded good, but it did not put my mind at ease.  I wanted to say more – to have my voice heard!  Even now, I feel the urge to call Dee and let her know that she wronged me and it is not acceptable, even if she feels ashamed of something and was acting out on account of that.  I wanted to knock her off her high horse, and prove to her that aggressive behavior and defensiveness were not appropriate.  I wanted to tell her to see a therapist or clergyman!  I have read and learned a lot of information about defensiveness and defensive people and it all maked sense, but it was not satisfying.  I wanted to unhorse her!

I talked to my mother (or my brainstorm partner).  She asked me why I could not just let it go.  I honestly did not know at first.  I am not a drama seeker or a negativity seeker.  I do not want to live my life focusing on resentment.  I can give my time and energy to more important people and more important things in my life.   So why was I holding onto this anger?   

It finally occurred to me, while talking to my mother.  I have mentioned a few times now that I am a passive person.  I generally try to avoid conflict like the plague.   However, a passive person inevitably will find oneself in conflict.  I often find myself in the doormat position of conflict – I give in to avoid further conflict and allow myself to be walked all over.  So for someone who often feels taken advantage of and often succumbs to keep the peace, the high road felt like no road at all.  Taking the high road felt like I didn’t stand up for myself.  It felt like the cowardly way out.  It felt like the doormat (and if I was going to play the doormat, I kind of wanted to pull it out from under foot)!  It felt unjust!

Where is the justice in taking the high road?  There is justice to taking the high road, but it was hard for me to wrap my head around it considering I am the total opposite of the defensive aggressor.  The justice is that a defensive person needs to be defensive.  They need for someone to light their fuse and to throw an accelerant on it.  They need defensiveness so they do not have to succumb to the pain, the shame, the worthlessness, etc.

Taking the high road is having control of your own fuse.  Taking the high road is being the victor of your emotions, not the victim.  Taking the high road is taking narrow road.  “Enter through the narrow gate.  For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.  But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it” (Matthew 7:13-14).   I chose to take the high road, and found myself in good company!

Reviewing the Tapes

After each game the players sit down and review the tapes of the game they just played to learn from their mistakes.  The idea is that they recognize the mistakes they made with that opponent and learn from it.  Then they reconfigure their plays to refrain from making the same mistakes with their next opponent.  So after reviewing the tapes, I learned:

~Recognize a Defensive End:  I had forgotten how defensive this friend has been in years past.  However, a red flag went up with I told her my stance on the situation, using “I” phrases so as not to insinuate blame, wrong thinking or wrong doing, and she reacted aggressively and defensively. I told her that I would be taking a different direction than the one she pursued.  She most likely perceived that as me saying that that direction was wrong and felt offended by what I said.

Defensive people are generally insecure or feel shame or inadequate in some way.  They feel accused unjustifiably and they attacked by you.  Their defensiveness is in an effort to avoid feeling the underlying shame or worthlessness.  Defensive people utilize defensiveness as self-protection.  Self-protection is human nature, but only when the person is actually being attacked (Stringer et al.).

~Never Explain Yourself: Someone once said, “Never explain.  Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.” I thought it was a simple misunderstanding so I went on to clarify what I said, thinking this would defuse the defensiveness.  Bad idea! 

If you try to explain yourself to a defensive person, they process it as you’re criticizing them and essentially accusing them of wrongdoing.  So all that does is fuel the defensiveness in them.  A defensive person may retaliate by attacking back with negative criticism, discourteousness, vulgarity, curtness, blaming, etc.  

It’s only natural for the other person to then get up in arms about the defensive person’s snarky behavior.  Take it from me, a passive person who generally does anything to avoid conflict, it is easy to become defensive when your character, intellect, morals or what have you, are attacked.  Martha Beck says that mirror neurons in your brain fire in resonance with the feelings of the people around you.  Basically part of our brain reorganizes itself to match the other person’s brain (Beck).  This is exactly what a defensive person wants.  They feed off your defensiveness and it generates a sense of purpose or self-worth in them.  This is the clashing of two egos.  What happens when more two or more egos battle for interstellar domination?  A Big Bang!

~Turtle Power:  This is one of the best methods for dealing with a defensive person.  Martha Beck wrote that there is no good way of effectively dealing with a highly defensive person, but if you cannot avoid a highly defensive person (i.e. your boss, co-worker, or etc.), act like a turtle.  The turtle has a nearly indestructible shell, so when they are attacked they draw in their head and appendages.   When a highly defensive person attacks you, and you feel the urge to lash back, draw in your emotions, into your emotional shell (Beck). 

~Wrestling a Crocodile:  This is Beck’s next rung on the evolutionary chain of reptile wrangling.  She utilizes the methods of the late, Steve Irwin, who loved to cradle crocodiles, but learned to lovingly sidestep their violent attacks towards him.  Irwin would talk sweetly to crocs and other critters saying, “Aren’t you gorgeous” and “You’re alright, Sweetheart.”  Try to find the positive aspect of this person and mirror that instead of their antagonism.   Beck prefers the remark, “All is well.”   She goes on to say that it may seem off-point, but so is the defensiveness of the other person.  

Now, I feel well equipped to effectively deal with any reptilian defensive end, from a gecko to Godzilla!  

External Sources:
Beck, Martha. "Wait - Are You Implying I Need to Read This Article?"  O, the Oprah Magazine May 2007.  Harpo Productions, Inc.  <http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleoprah.aspx?cp-documentid=8319383&page=0>.

Stringer, Kathi and Respected Authors.  "Defensive Pattern."  Toddler Time Network.  2008.  <http://www.toddlertime.com/mh/terms/defensive.htm>.